There’s a storm out on the horizon…

(And) it’s coming to take us down…

As we hide in our Well of Silence…

As we hide from the world…

(So) much pain we’ve already dealt with…

(But) it never seems to stop…

Yes in our Well of Silence…

We survive down below…

(And) the world never stops turning…

As we race to chase the sun…

Fearing all the darkness behind us…

(And) the battles we have fought…

(And) we chase the sun around…

As we move through our tunnels…

Living in our Silent Wells…

Cemented swimming pools…

We pray for our salvation…

To the Gods that might be there…

Yet we still don’t get the answers…

To our questions we’ve been asking…

Why is this always happening…

What sin have we committed…

That leaves us in our Well of Silence…

Running from the dark…

(And) the world never stops turning…

As we race to chase the sun…

Fearing all the darkness behind us…

(And) the battles we have fought…

(And) we chase the sun around…

As we move through our tunnels…

Living in our Silent Wells…

Cemented swimming pools…

How can we live…

How can we live…

How can we live…

How can we live…like this…

By: R.L Arocha:

8:12 a.m. December, 26^th, 2009:

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There’s a gun fight happening in the wild-west…

(And) someone’s going end up dead…

Don’t know how it’s going end…

One will fall one will live…

It’s the 21^st century not the 19^th…

It’s a rival gang not a sheriff and a thief…

Innocent onlookers will be shot…

It’s the way it happens in the wild-west…

Can count on bullets going through an innocent’s wall…

A child sleeping will never wake up…

A mother screams in the middle of the night…

Drowning out the sound of the guns firing outside…

(And) this is all…Modern Day Wild-West…

(And) you don’t dare walk down an alleyway…

You don’t go under the bridge at night…

It’s not safe for a child but that’s where they live…

In the Modern Day Wild-West…

(And) the gangs don’t care if it’s day or night…

A fights a fight and there is no right…

A thirteen year old with a gun in his hand…

Initiation is to kill a man…

(And) you don’t dare walk down an alleyway…

You don’t go under the bridge at night…

It’s not safe for a child but that’s where they live…

In the Modern Day Wild-West…

There’s a gun fight happening in the wild-west…

(And) someone’s going end up dead…

Don’t know how it’s going end…

One will fall one will live…

It’s the 21^st century not the 19^th…

It’s a rival gang not a sheriff and a thief…

Innocent onlookers will be shot…

It’s the way it happens in the wild-west…

(And) you don’t dare walk down an alleyway…

You don’t go under the bridge at night…

It’s not safe for a child but that’s where they live…

In the Modern Day Wild-West…

By R.L Arocha:

6:43 a.m. December, 26^th, 2009:

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©®™-Jet-Black Music: 2009:

Well he sits alone in darkness…

Bible in his hands…

Afraid to open up the words…

The last words he will every read…

He has lived his life in fear…

Made himself a victim…

He says this will be the last night…

That he will be here…

(And) now time is getting older…

(And) the seasons have changed…

(Yes) the time is getting older…

For the Last Words He Will Read…

He opens up his bible…

Turns to John 3:16…

Reads salvation will be his…

If he bows his head and prays…

(But) he can’t seem to speak the words…

That he really should…

(So) he stays in the dark…

Where his evil lives…

(And) now time is getting older…

(And) the seasons have changed…

(Yes) the time is getting older…

For the Last Words He Will Read…

Well he sits alone in darkness…

Bible in his hands…

Afraid to open up the words…

The last words he will every read…

(But) he can’t seem to speak the words…

That he really should…

(So) he stays in the dark…

Where his evil lives…

(And) now time is getting older…

(And) the seasons have changed…

(Yes) the time is getting older…

For the Last Words He Will Read…

By R.L Arocha:

December, 24^th, 2009: 11:42 a.m.

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©®™-Jet-Black Music 2009:

Ex nihilo nihil fit in a Perennial Universe of Discourse Tacitly Delineated by the Exordium of Sorrow that Emeses from a Darkened Obscured Mind and a Subjugated Depressed Soul:

(Translation) Simplifying the Main Title)

From  Nothing, Nothing is Produced in a Continuous Universe of Conversation with Silent Rationality Scribbled by the Beginning of Sorrow that Spews Forth from a Concealed Mind and Subdued Depressed Soul:

By: R.L Arocha

October 8^th, 2009:

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®™-Stonecross-Saqqara Ltd: 1978 – 2009:

Outside heat lightning streaks across the sky and in the distance thunder rumbles signaling the coming of a storm.  I compare that feat of nature to the turmoil tempest brewing within my soul and mind.

Like nature, the storms within my own being are unpredictable.  And unlike nature they storms generating within me are no where as beautiful as the wondrous fits nature produces. 

Nature allows you to take in all around you and shows you something different every time.  And even though some storms can be angry and deadly, you always know that there will be an ending that will give way to a golden sunset or crispness to the rising of the dawn.

 The storms inside the soul are no where near the green hue of the clouds of a storm coming in from the west on open plains.  They don’t show bright like the streaking of lightning bolts that appear to be coming from the sky but are really generated from the ground.  There is no fresh smell after the coolness of a rain has come through washing away dust that has settled on leafs from a tree or keep the rising dust down from the stretch of an unpaved road.  No, the storms that brew within the mind and soul are no where near as beautiful as what nature gives us.

For some, the tempests which build up and crush down on us are dark and colorless.  They fill your mind with hallucinations and depression that hangs on like a bat in a cave waiting for night to fall so they can go out for the hunt for insects to feed upon. 

The storms within the mind at times can compare to those upheavals of nature sometimes.  They can, without warning appear out of nowhere and as fast as they come they are gone.  Unlike those tantrums of nature, the storms that come out of nowhere within yourself do not leave you with the feeling of renewal.  Your soul isn’t washed clean from its dark and depressing stranglehold.  Your mind doesn’t feel a sense of freedom from the dust that built up over the periods of time when you were unaware you were going through drought and disparity.  Infact when the storms in your being rush in like a tidal wave rushing in foreign debris it doesn’t wash that debris back out.  It litters the mind and soul with more clutter and confusion.

Not all people go through this, some manage to weather the storm and move on as if nothing has transpired, for others it leaves scars like footprints in the sand that take a while to wash away. 

A friend of mine that I could care for very much has just weathered a storm that has left her battered and broken on the rocks of the surf.  She has developed a hole in her heart that can not ever be filled again because what was there was very special to her in her life.  It was the love and guidance of her father who has recently passed away.  She expressed to me that she didn’t believe it would have hit her as hard as it has, but now she feels lost like a baby dear in a dark forest without its mother.  She wanders aimlessly unaware of what she is doing and doesn’t know how to close the hole that has so blatantly been opened.   She tells me her mind is rushing into thoughts that even to her does not make sense but she feels she has no other way to fill the emptiness left by her fathers passing.  I worry for her.  I worry for her self being. 

A few years ago when her and I first met and started talking  to her I was a harden soul with no emotional thoughts or feelings.  It was because of that I drove her away and now she prays she can be as I once was, none feeling.  However over those few years and even she admits I have changed.  I have opened up what once was a blacked cover over my heart and started to express my feelings and thoughts.  Unfortunately she wishes to be as I once was.  She feels it is the only way she will be able to survive the loss.  Now through the deep dark depression and loneliness I have been enduring I have to try to explain to her the way I was was no way to live.  It is no way anyone should be. 

It took me some serious breaking down to realize that how I was was no way to live.  That I was missing out in life and was living within my own prison.  It was cold, dark, and lonely and it caused something that could have been beautiful to be lost.  But now I feel I have been granted a second chance when Tammy came across my writings on the internet and saw that I had changed.  That I had finally managed to open myself up and expose the true self within me.  And though the life within me can at times be depressing and dark, they can also be soft and tender and honest. 

What I have become aware of since beginning to talk with Tammy again is that now she stands on the side of the railroad tracks I once stood and I have managed to cross the tracks to a side that seems a little clearer.  But don’t misunderstand me.  I have been dealing with some very heavy depression and loneliness over the last month or so and I can not seem to shake it off.  However now, compared to a couple years ago, I am willing and wanting to reach out to someone that can help me.  That can give me guidance to break free of the storms that have been constantly raging within me.  And through this I have been trying to figure out how to talk to Tammy and help her see that what I once was is not a good way to be.  But I fully understand what it is she is going through.  I just don’t want to seem like the pot calling the kettle black.  Also how can I help her when I myself am going through my own problems?

I my whole life have suffered from manic depression and panic anxiety disorders.  I have also gone through periods of psychological problems.  However right now, I am going through the worse bought of depression and loneliness I have ever gone through.  I keep my living room and bedroom completely dark, I sit here thinking all day and night of what was and what could have been.  I feel as if my soul is dying and there is nothing I can do about it.  What do you do when you feel within yourself a piece of you slowing passing away?  I can tell you that you certainly don’t feel you have the right or any kind of motivation to help another.

I want to reach out to Tammy, I want to take her within my arms and hold her till the oceans of her sadness dry up.  However I say again.  Would I be the pot calling the kettle black?  Could she even begin to trust me and allow me to be there for her knowing the hell I walk through?  I don’t know.

Sometimes people like me, feeling no more then sludge against a curb can produce the type of help one needs.  I just don’t know if I have enough faith in myself.  I would like to think I am stronger then I feel that by reaching out for another, I can heal myself at the same time.  However, there is so much denial thriving within myself.  The last think I would want to do is ruin another.  Especially someone I can care very much for.  Someone I want to open my arms to and hold until the storms pass and no more rain can fall from her velvet tears of summer.

Two years ago, I was a cold monster.  I was an unemotional person who Tammy tried reaching out to and I turned my back on her.  I am no longer that type of person.  Somewhere along the way within myself, I grew.  Though I am not perfect, I am a real person who is here to be whatever help I can be to her. 

I imagine her sitting next to me, allowing me to hold her and comfort her.  To caress her soul and let her see she is more then the sum of what she believes she is.  I just pray she can look into my eyes and see that I am no longer who I was.  I pray she accepts me as I am now, and not think of the past.  My past was cold and unfeeling and I turned away from her when she made an effort to reach out to me.  Now we have come full circle and I now reach out to her in her time of despair.

My hope is she sees not a person that was cold and emotionless, but us now open and feeling.  That I am ready to be whatever it is she needs and to stop her from taking a downward spiral to where her life has very little meaning.  She is worth so much and she needs to know that to at least one person. ME.  She means the world.  I wish to take her hand and walk with her through the paths that cause her pain.  I want her to know she is not alone and that I am here.  That I have been where she is now and that I am wanting and willing to walk with her through the darkness until she sees the morning light breaking through the night storms that have become her life.

If she rejects me, I will understand.  I have prepared myself for the failure that can happen.  I can only hope she will take my hand and walk with me.  I can not force her to except me.

I am still a person that suffers from manic depression and panic anxiety episodes.  I am still a person that feels loneliness within me and sits in my own darkness.  But what I am not is that closed off person that told her that I can not be friends with someone that rejects me.  I was wrong for being that way and I can only hope she sees the difference in me from then to now.  I pray she sees me for me and knows she can reach out for me.  I            am here for her.

By: R.L Arocha:

September 10^th, 2009:

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Waiting for healing hands to save me…

As I lay dying in the ally…

I don’t know how long that it will take me…

I need my one saving grace…

To take me to my final resting place…

Is there anyone out there that can help me…

Place my soul underneath a shade tree…

Sing a song that will send me…

Away to a land that will protect me…

Fighting life just to die…

Walk the roads with death on each side…

You fight the storms just to survive…

You pray the lord looks down on you…

(And) he does what he should do…

Takes your soul away to heaven…

(And) though your gone time doesn’t stop…

On the mountain you stand on top…

Your life is gone and yet you’re still giving…

So you wait for saving grace…

To the lord you preciously pray…

That he takes your soul away…

By: R.L Arocha:

6:47am August 5^th, 2009:

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Sweet sorrow chariots carry me away…

To the dark side of the world…where life slowly fades…

Where my soul will be forever locked in the dark…

Where life holds no living spark…

Ten thousand times I’ve slowly died…

Over and over in the burning rain…

I’ve seen my death in my own minds eye…

A torturous death of extreme pain…

Perennial sorrow written on empty pages…

Grave diggers mark the empty graves…

Hired mourners sing songs of sadness…

For my lost soul lost in madness…

Sweet sorrow chariots carry me away…

To the dark side of the world…where life slowly fades…

Where my soul will be forever locked in the dark…

Where life holds no living spark…

By: R.L Arocha:

6:42am August 4^th, 2009:

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Spring flowers grow to create summers pleasure…

Then fall comes to take that away…

Winter washes away that’s year’s mistakes…

In order for spring to come again…

The seasons change like the passing of time…

(And) with it comes the losses we face…

To wash away our pain and sorrow…

In hopes we learn to dance…

(And) with you i’d dance until the end of time…

Holding you close against me…

To take away the fear you have inside…

To make your pain and fears mine…

Understand I never stopped feeling…

The love I had inside for you…

(And) now you face a hill to battle…

With it I will walk with you…

(So) take my hand and walk with me…

The journey that has begun…

(And) by your side until the end…

I’ll be there till the end…

(So) read these words I write for you…

(And) believe me they are true…

I’ll own the fears you have inside…

(And) I’ll take the pain away from you…

I know with me you take the chance…

To go through with what you are now…

(And) if I could promise you that you won’t…

I would in the second it takes for a heart to beat…

All I ask if for you to trust in me…

(And) believe the words I say…

So take my hand and walk a while with me…

To see where this all will lead…

By R.L Arocha:

6:40am August 1^st, 2009:

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            Lately my mind feels empty, like I can’t put thoughts together.  It might be that my psych medications have been changed again.  Now instead of Invega and Pristiq, I am on Seroquel and Pristiq.  Not to mention I am on stronger pain meds also.  I am hoping by writing this I will get out of the minor writers block I have forming.

            I hate having writers block, last time I just didn’t write at all.  Now I have been trying to force myself to write through it, which I should have done last time.  I went almost a year and half without writing anything of substance; I didn’t even pick up my guitar and play. 

            I like writing and playing guitar and writing songs, it has always been an outlet to the pain I have had to go through.  The physical and mental pain I live with on a daily basis.  It also helps me deal with the lingering illness I have had to live with also. 

When I don’t write I feel lost and empty, like something has been ripped from the inside of me and has left a huge hole within my soul. 

I know not all of my writings aren’t that good, maybe some of them are down right stupid or immature but I need to write what is on my mind at the time.  Sometimes I find it very hard to write what’s on my mind, because I can not always find the words to express what is going on within my head.  It’s scary when my mind is wondering and I can’t figure out what it is all about.

I can sit for hours trying to figure it all out and all I find is the deep dark color of night and at the end of it all, nothing comes through.  So many times I have stared at an empty page and that is all I will get from it is emptiness.  But now I am hoping more comes of it then just blankness.

I have tried to live my life on these pages of time, most of the time I find it difficult to do so.  One never knows what to write about themselves to make sure they don’t sound like a crazy individual.  Though I feel most of the time I am unsuccessful. 

Blog of R.L Arocha: Entry Seven: Section II: July 31^st, 2009:

I am sleeping a bit more, but as usual my dreams are plagued with visions that don’t make sense.  Just constant confusion and violence fills them.  I am use to it, it’s been going on since I was a kid.  But still I awake in the middle of the lost and not know where I am.  It’s just something you have to adjust and get use to.

Don’t get me wrong it isn’t easy adjusting to the unnatural.  Especially when the meanings are lost within visions that bounce from one area to another.  I have so many things running through your head at one time it’s hard to grasp hold of any one thing.

I have met other people who have gone through the same thing, never being able to grab hold of one particular thought and concentrate on it.  It really can be hell. 

Then on top of it all, during the day I walk through life feeling alone.  I wish to love and be loved.  And for me, if someone is being nice to me I quickly grow feelings for them and want them to be my friend.  Unfortunately, like in the hospital and the nurses are really nice and seem to care.  It’s their job but to me I convince myself that they like me and that they want to be my friend.  But the truth of the matter is as I just stated, it’s their job.  So that becomes extremely depressing and for a person that suffers from manic depression it is hard to get over.

I can’t explain how much of my life is lived in like a fantasy world.  That my grip on reality is very frail, and that any time I could lose complete control over it. 

I do have friends, one is the nurse that was coming out from Sparks Home Health care, she seemed to be genuine and I asked if we could stay friends and she said yes and gave me her cell number.  Another friend I have is my roommate of 20 years.  He has been there through the thick and thin and has put up with all my mood swings and ups and downs.  He has gone through more then any person should go through with someone that isn’t their lover or partner.  Then there is Karen the insurance person my roommate uses.  She is a friend and knows about my medical conditions and has no problem with it.  She likes to hang out with me.  But we don’t hang out as much as I would like to.

Now I am on my new pain meds and they keep me buzzed.  It’s not an unpleasant feeling but I am not sure I want to be buzzed 24/7.  I can’t imagine anyone who wants to be like this all the time.  I don’t see the appeal.  Though I admit I enjoy the warm feeling it gives me. But it raises up my panic anxiety attacks I have, it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Really causes the inside of me to feel rattled and nervous.  I hate living my life as if I am always being followed, like there is a secret soul walking behind me and there is nothing I can do about it.  I just wish once I could awake from my sleep and feel normal, that all my dreams were pleasant and everything for the day would be ok.  But I know when I go to sleep at night nothing will ever be normal.

Just once when I pray for relief it would be actual relief and just not something I ask for.

By: R.L Arocha:

6:09am August 1^st, 2009:

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Today the news came…

That you lost the love of your life…

How sad it makes me to say…

I’m sorry your fathers gone…

(But) in you he carries on…

As well in his grandson…

(And) though he left this world too soon…

In you he left his mark…

I know your life feels empty…

(But) in me you can always count…

(And) though it feels the river will flood…

I will take you to higher ground…

(And) though you feel he is gone forever…

In your memory he lives in you…

Like a tree that sheds its seedlings…

Again it will always be…

(So) let the season change again…

(And) let them sift away your pain…

Believe me when I am say i’m sorry…

(And) I’ll be here for you…

(Because) we all need a shoulder to cry on…

We all need something beyond the hurt…

(So) accept my apology for your saddened loss…

I am sorry for your lost love…

By: R.L Arocha:

7:41am July 25^th, 2009:

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